Beta Male Alpha Nerd

I wrote this back I few years ago for a different Blog and I wanted to share it here.  I am a big fan of Christopher Moore’s work.  In his book “A Dirty Job” he explores the concept of the Beta Male.  If you are interested you can find his Beta-Male Manifesto on the internet.  If you are reading this you are most likely a Beta Male and an Alpha Nerd.  You are an engineer.

Alpha Males are those 10% to 20% percent of the guys that are gifted with superior size, strength, muscles, speed, charm and good looks.  You know, that buddy of yours that has the hot waitresses dropping off free nachos along with her phone number when you are at the sports bar.  With features selected over the eons by the strongest surviving they essentially get all the girls.  The Beta Male has survived not by meeting and overcoming adversity, but by anticipating and avoiding it.  The Alpha Nerd is the technically gifted Beta Male that uses his problem solving skills to anticipate and avoid problematic situations.  It may be the Alpha Males that hunted the mastodons; but it was the Beta Males that figured out that chasing a BIG angry bus of an animal was just not that smart and found excuses to stay back and console the grieving alpha–less widows.  The Alpha Nerd was the Beta Male that figured out how to make spear tips from flint.  This gave him a respectable excuse to stay back.  It also got him small bit of respect from the Alpha Males and they let him hang around, on the fringe, with the other Alpha Males while group bonding over a fermented berry brew.  This gave some Alpha Nerds the idea they may actually be Alpha Males.  They aren’t!  No matter how much they try they are at best a “Can you fix my spear?” friend, not a “Want to go to the big stone throwing contest?” friend.  Still it is a nice position in that you get first chance at the women the Alphas reject.

As an Alpha Nerd you are extremely likely to become a women’s “Best Friend” She will call on you to help set up her new sound system, or tune her car, or fix her computer, or console her after she breaks up with another jerk of a Alpha Male boy friend.  She will occasionally pay for coffee or take you out for lunch where she spends two hours explaining in great detail that although a fantastic lover her past boy friend really was a big jerk.

Leadership, the Workplace and the Alpha Nerd
Beta Males tend not to be risk-takers. Engineers instinctively know that risk is bad.  The upside of risk is that your Alpha CEO gets more dough, the downside is the YOU lose your job.  Betas have survived the eons by valuing safety over adventure.  In the workplace it is the Alpha Nerd that knows how to unjam the copier, access the network, and fix clogged plumbing. It is the Alpha Nerd that will fix the cute Admin’s phone and show her how to download free music from the internet.  She will buy you coffee and show you the mixed CD she made for her alpha hunk of a boy friend and then ask if you could jump start her car’s dead battery so she will not be late for their date.  Her Alpha does not jump dead batteries with his high performance European car. 

The Alpha Nerd as a Mate
Evolution is proof enough that Beta Males do past on their genes.  It just comes with a lot of heart break.  Woman want Alpha Males but eventually they get tired of being kicked to the curb and settle for Beta Males.  (That is why they call it settling down.  You are what she settled for.)  The beta male, if nothing else, is loyal. He makes a great husband as well as a great best friend. He will help you move, bring you soup when you are sick, change diapers, etc.  Beta males almost always make good fathers. They tend to be steady, even-tempered, and responsible, the kind of guy a woman would want as a father for her children, just not for a lover.  There is a 80, 90 percent chance her father is a Beta.  After being kicked to the curb by a few Alpha Males, a few assault charges for keying high performance European cars,  and the old bio clock kicks in, the idea of waking up in the arms of a guy who will actually adore you and will always be there, even past the point where you can stand to have him around, is a comfortable compromise.  The Alpha Nerd is an ideal Beta compromise because:

  – They are paid well

  – They think you are hot!

  – You get to own nice things. Maybe not the nicest things but still nice.

  – They are comfortable with family life.

  – Everything in the house stays fixed.

  – They will defer to you on most decisions.

  – They will share in house chores even if you are not employed outside the home.

  – Their jobs most likely allow them to adjust their work schedules to be coaches, Scout Masters, or give science demos
   at school.

  – You kids will have the best science projects

  – Although your children are more likely get the beta gene they also are more likely to be smart.

  – They will build bird house kits, pinewood derby race cars, or anything else needed by you children.

  – If you tire of then you will get a settlement you can actually afford to live on and they will make their child support
   statements.

Basically, Beta Males are everywhere.  Far  more of them than the Alphas.  If you are going to be one at least you are lucky enough to be an Alpha Nerd.